by Joy Kitchel As nurturing and caring adults, how can we empower children to create boundaries that are right for them? We think nothing of holding out a hand to greet another adult, waiting for them to either shake hands or not. If we are huggers, we will ask if the other adult would like a hug or hold our arms open in invitation and wait for the person to choose to take part. If good friends, we may know who likes a hug and who doesn’t, and engage in a way that meets the individual’s choice.
When greeting a child, we may be unaware that we are changing the ask to a demand, “Come give me a hug!” Or, we might reach out and initiate a hug. Our intentions may come from a place of excitement at seeing the youth, or perhaps even from family expectations. As the holiday season approaches, families spend more time with family and friends. Planning ahead for supporting children as they interact with family and friends is important. It doesn’t matter if the adult is new to them or a familiar face; a child has a choice in setting their boundaries. As the caregiver, a crucial step is to support your child in setting their own personal boundaries. Let your children know they can greet people with a smile, a wave, a fist bump, a hug, or a kiss. This may already be a part of your routine. If not, modeling and practicing together is a great idea. As the caregiver, your role in supporting your child should also include setting boundaries with the adults they will be greeting.
You may find yourself setting the boundaries of the greeting. “Hi Grandma, Jamie would like to choose how to greet you today. Jamie, what would you like to do: a wave, a high-five, or a hug?”
Perhaps a gentle reminder. “Hey, Dad, remember we ask first and wait for Sam to decide.”
It may be that you need to be direct. “Uncle Frank, please don’t assume Avery wants a hug, please ask first.”
Don’t forget that children also need to learn how to ask first. You may have a child who holds themselves back when greeting others. Or perhaps your child runs and hugs everyone they meet. Teach children to ask before they reach out to give a hug. When practicing how to ask before touching, include in the practice how to accept if the other person says ‘No.’ Asking for permission and waiting for a 'yes' or 'no' are the foundations of consent. In the Healthy Relationships Project school curriculum, we teach the steps when seeking consent. After we receive a yes, we want to make sure the words, facial expressions, and body language are all saying yes. If not, we check in with the person to avoid confusion. The skill of consent can be taught from pre-kindergarten through high school in a way that is developmentally appropriate for the learners. We teach how to ask consent and how to accept the person's answer.
Resources to check out!
For school-age children, C is for Consent by Eleanor Morrison is a great book to read together. Blue Seat Studios published a great video, Consent for Kids. Take a minute to review and see if it is a good fit to watch with your child(ren).