I consider myself a good parent. I always try to do what is in my children’s best interest, learn from my mistakes and most importantly, always try to keep my relationship with them intact, even if that means owning my mistakes when I make them.
I have recently been met with multiple circumstances in one week that have left me questioning myself, my parenting skills, and my relationship with my children. As I am sure you know, parenting is a series of questing yourself; am I doing a good job, did I make the right decision, should I be easier on them, should I have been harder on them. It is impossible to know if you are doing a “good job” and easy to feel like you are messing everything up.
I have teenagers, which is a whole new world in parenthood; especially in the world we live in today. The challenges are endless, and the rewards can feel few and far between. We worry about experimenting with alcohol, drugs, peers and peer pressure, bullying, and the dreaded vaping. There is so much to worry about that it can leave little time to focus on the things our teens are doing well at, or our relationship with them, being present and available when in the back of our heads we are worrying about what might happen, what could happen and all of the dangerous things that are available to them, knowing their brains are not wired to think ahead to how these things may impact their life, future or others.
Before I had even finished my first cup of coffee the other morning, I discovered a vape pen that was left with some other belongings of my daughter. Vaping is something I have been super vocal about, and she has always said she would NEVER do. Feeling immediate anger, I take a deep breath and text her a photo of the vape pen and said, “let’s talk.” Inside I want to go wake her up and confront her immediately, but I stop myself because I know that will not be productive.
When she responds to my text, she asks if we can talk about it after school and I agree because I know we both need space and time to approach this in a loving way, a way that does not damage our relationship. I know at this moment that I am not prepared to do this because I am feeling angry, and in time I begin to recognize that under that anger I am hurt, I am disappointed, and I am feeling like a complete failure as a parent.
After beating myself up for a while, I begin to reflect on how I can approach this in a way that is meaningful, in a way that doesn’t make her feel that she has to hide things from me; because it is honestly the most important thing to me that she feels safe coming to me with any problem big or small. I realize I am hurt more than anything that I didn’t notice or see this coming, that she didn’t talk to me about it; but they are teenagers, and their brains are not wired to talk it out with parents or think ahead about how this will impact their life, future, or health. I think about the time and energy I spent being as healthy as I could when I was pregnant, always eating the recommended foods and cutting out anything considered the slightest bit unhealthy for the baby. I wanted them to have the absolute best start at life and it hurts me to think they are being reckless with their health and body, but also must remember those were my choices and these are theirs. A ridiculously hard pill to swallow!
I decide that if I want to be angry with someone, I should be angry with the manufacturers of the vape pens, they are the ones who are marketing to teens with all the fancy flavors and ease of being able to use them virtually anywhere undetected. I should be angry with whoever is providing my child with something they are not old enough to purchase on their own. Thinking about these things makes it harder to blame the teens who have something at their fingertips at an age where their brains are not wired to make good, sound decisions. Their brains are wired to experiment, try new things, make mistakes and hopefully learn from them.
So, in the end, I decide to frame my conversation like this, let’s talk about why you made this choice. How does it make you feel, why do you vape? I recognize that I cannot stop her from doing something she does not want to stop doing, so I ask do you want to stop? and if she does I ask why do you want to stop or why do you not want to stop, in order to problem solve around stopping or finding a new and healthier way to get whatever need she is getting from the vape. I tell her I love her and that nothing she ever does will change the way I feel about her. I tell her that we all make mistakes, and we all make choices that sometimes upset others, but it is important to talk about them and understand why we make the choices we make and to think about and talk about the repercussions.
I know that I cannot stop her from vaping or experimenting with any other substances, but I can talk to her about the realities of the risk and let her know that it is her decision and I love her way too much for her to not provide the facts and help her understand the risk she is putting herself at in the choices she makes. I tell her “I’m leaving the responsibility of your health and your future self in your hands” to preserve our relationship and her feeling safe in coming to me with any and all problems in the future. The fact of the matter is, demanding she stop, harping on it, continually punishing her, will make it more appealing, it will only make her become sneaky about it, and most importantly, it will damage our relationship.
The very hardest thing about parenting teens is giving up control and putting it in their hands (once they have all the facts) while hoping and praying for the best.
Written by Anonymous